Sunday, February 05, 2006

Stardate 60099.28 - Church Un-Churchiness

As I have mentioned in the past, Cheryl and I are attending St. Vincent Ferrer Catholic Church near where we live. I've had two bad experiences with their "doorman" whose main job, as far as I can tell, is to keep the homeless out of the church bathrooms. He has two keys to two miniscule bathrooms that are barely accessible via a long, narrow hallway.

Last Sunday, Loren had a diaper incident shortly after we got to church which required changing. The "doorman" asked me, as I asked for the key while carrying a baby and a diaper bag, "Are you going to change her in there?"

"Yes, genius", I thought. I said simply, "Yes."

"You can't change a baby in there," he told me. "People have complained about the smell."

"Adult crap stinks too, and usually worse," I thought. I said, "I'll take the diaper with me. I won't leave it in there."

"People have complained," he insisted.

"Look," I said, "I have to change her. I can do it in the bathroom or I can just leave."

"Ok, ok" he said. "I'm just telling you people complained." But he did hand over the key, which was attached to a large piece of wood, like when you were in elementary school and had to carry a huge pass in order to be in the hall on the way to/from the bathroom. I briefly had visions of beating him to death with his own bathroom key, but I refrained. Barely.

So, fast forward to this week. We go to church and Loren is cranky. She won't settle down, so Cheryl and I have to walk her up and down the side of the church. I take over just before the homily, and because she is making noise I go out into the foyer where my good friend the doorman is.

Now, the church conveniently pipes the sound out into the foyer, so if you are out there with a crying baby you can still hear what is going on. At least you would be able to hear, if the frack'n doorman was not talking on his cellphone the entire time. Once again, I had visions of cramming his cell phone down his throat, but I refrained. Killing someone actually inside a church is probably considered a bad thing.

But it would have made me feel better.



JamesF said...


My sides are killing me from laughing so hard. The irony of the vision of you beating the guy to death with his wooden key *in church* is just too much.

I hadn't even gotten to the second incident where you see it also.

Ahhh. I needed that. Thanks.

-s said...

But what would Jesus do?

BullBunky said...

Oh, you DO need to snap a picture of this guy with your fancy phone. I have this image of the creaky voice kid from the Simpsons, but I'm sure thats not right :)